I had been debating for a while about whether it’s even appropriate for me to talk about this topic. It’s a soft subject for at least 70% of the people I’m friends with, let alone the internet. As someone who suffers from severe irrational worrying about everything and anything, it was inevitable that my 2017 wasn’t going to get off to the glistening start I’d hoped for. 2016, it’s fair to say, threw a  few curve balls my way and I wasn’t the sort of person to batter them away.

Before I go into the depths of whatever it is I decide to tell you, I want to give a quick disclaimer. I am fully aware that everyone’s situations are different – some are much worse than others and what I went through, to me, was minimal in comparison but an experience nonetheless. Also, all I can confidently talk about here is my very own experience and hope someone reading this takes some sort of comfort from it. I’m horrendously passionate about this stuff so don’t mind me being a keyboard warrior today.

The topic of anxiety is, let’s be honest, a weird one. For people that have followed me for a while, you will have seen a couple of artistic posts about mental health but I’ve never spoken about where that all comes from. I was 14 when I experienced my first panic attack and I’ve had them periodically since. I never once even thought of it as anxiety and it was only when it was actually diagnosed earlier this year did I tackle it head on.

The anxiety was officially triggered at the beginning of 2016. I worried about EVERYTHING. From what a stranger might think of me to “what if my friends leave me”. Completely irrational stuff but detrimental to my mental state in the moment. Throughout my school and college years I had always felt small in comparison to everyone else. I wasn’t as attractive as her, I wasn’t as funny as her, I’m way fatter than her… the negatives about myself felt limitless. I ended up spending time with people that unintentionally made me feel like I couldn’t be myself because I felt I had to fit a certain criteria which I clearly didn’t fit. I neglected my two best friends who were sat just across the room the entire time simply because I was terrified of doing something out of place and getting in trouble with those I was hanging out with. I warned you this shit was going to seem completely pathetic and irrational but let’s continue.

The fear of being who I wanted to be seemed to infest everything else. My art, other friendships, my time with my boyfriend, my relationship with my family – everything became a negative. In early 2017, my mind became unbearable. I’d be closing in on a panic attack just walking through Waterloo (something I’ve done weekly for almost 3 years) and forcing myself to vomit before going to sleep multiple nights a week. The anxiousness was then just heightened by the pure anger I felt towards myself for feeling this way. “I have a good life”, I’d say to myself, “Stop being such a selfish bitch”.

I took the plunge and decided to try and talk to a professional. Obviously I was skeptical… the last thing I wanted to do was accept that I had to have a therapist. After my first session with Jasmin, I called her crying in a panic saying “CAN YOU ACTUALLY FIX ME THOUGH” to which she replied “I’ll do the best that I can to help you” and, at the time, that just pissed me off more. I wanted to scream “WHY WON’T YOU FIX ME JASMIN” but somehow managed to contain it. By the time the phone call was over I’d managed to convince myself that I was now a walking ball of anxiety and nothing will ever change. Little did I know, all it took was 4 sessions for me to be able to walk out of her house with a smile.

You’re probably wondering why on earth I’m delving into all this on a blog post but hear me out. I have ALWAYS made an effort to be positive online. In my videos I make an effort to smile, in my live streams I tell you ridiculous anecdotes to make you all laugh, I don’t take myself seriously so we can all have FUN. I don’t want to be perceived constantly as the girl with anxiety. However, I feel that in recent times in particular, social media has moulded anxiety into some sort of admirable fashion statement. People on the internet are getting younger and younger and, in some cases, view mental health as something ‘cool’ to have due to who they follow online.  My point of this entire novel of a blog post is that mental health ISN’T cool and is certainly not something to be admired. Being trapped in your own mind and feeling completely lost isn’t trendy. If you suffer from anxiety – TREAT IT. TALK to someone!! Letting it linger won’t make it go away – I did that for a year thinking I could fix myself and all that caused was mental exhaustion.

A lot of people think that talking to a professional is a sign of weakness and that you’re not achieving anything yourself if you need someone else to guide you. In reality, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It gave me an opportunity to think about what bothers me and actually overcome those fears. A mental image of 17 year old Vicky having a nervous breakdown in the empty car park of my school became something I looked back on a smiled about. That Vicky is fucking strong. Fair play to her. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be here making videos or typing on this blog post today. I turned the memories and thoughts that were stressing me out into positives but I couldn’t have fixed myself without professional guidance.

I used to think that my issues were pathetic and that I shouldn’t be so selfish when others were going through a lot worse. My point being – any problem is a problem, regardless of anything else. If something is bothering you, fix it. SEEK help. It does not make you weak – completely the opposite. Obviously I couldn’t have done it without people around me. My mum, my boyfriend Harry, my best friends, of course – Jasmin…it tests a lot of relationships but my god do I owe them never ending thank you’s. The feeling of light shoulders is honestly the BEST feeling I’ve ever had. Walking out of Jasmin’s house after my last session with a genuine smile and tear free cheeks was something I will always be proud of.  I DESERVE to smile. And so do YOU.

To round up my essay, I wanted to say that if you struggle with something in your life, no matter how small, it WILL get better. You’re not alone – even the people you see smiling away online have their inner demons. I thought I was unfixable and now here I am, smiling like a kid in a candy shop. Use me as a 1st hand example and overcome anxiety. Happiness beats anxiety any day of the week, trust me. In the end, all it comes down to is mind over matter.

God, that was deep. Chat soon folks.

VB x